I’m sadden that it’s been almost an entire year since I’ve posted over here. I’ve missed this place, to share my thoughts, the going on’s in our world. I’m making a resolution today that I will get back to it.
2015 was a hard year – emotionally, physically, + mentally. When my mom went into the hospital on February 25th, I had no idea the trajectory my life would take over the course of the next few months.
I have to back up to 2010 to get to the point where I am today. See, on March 1st, 2010, my parents gained temporary guardianship over my nephews whom were newly 3+1 years old. Rylan had fallen off a chair + cracked his skull. While that wouldn’t have caused alarm, the boy’s mother C, had lied to the pediatrician. When they did a scan, they found the crack, immediately called the Dept. of Human Services, + they removed both boys from the care of C + my brother M. Rylan ended up being transferred to OU Children’s, while my mom was rushing around trying to get everything in order to have two little boys live with her for the interim.
On that day, in 2010, my entire family’s world changed. My world changed. My mom had been my best friend, I was able to talk on the phone for long periods of time with her, she was my confidant when things were rough with the life transition of moving to Nashville, then to Princeton. March 1st, 2010 I basically lost my best friend. My mom was in survival mode. From that day until today, the boys have been in + out of my parent’s custody, with my brother getting clean for several years, then falling back right before my mom went into the hospital.
I had no idea how bad things were in Oklahoma. My mom refused to tell me how she was really feeling emotionally + mentally. She was in a really bad spot, having to deal with my brother + the crap that he continued to put my family through. She was ready to give up, to succumb to leaving this earth. When I learned this, I lost it. I lost it because I was unaware, because I couldn’t do anything to fix it, because I thought being a good daughter was enough but it wasn’t, because my brother took a terrible turn in high school + was continuing to cause my family so much pain. When she was starting to get ill, she allowed it to overtake her.
Almost losing my mother has changed the way I view the world. I stopped investing time + energy into social media groups. I was done with drama online + in real life. I didn’t have the energy or mind space to deal with it. Which at the end of the day, I don’t regret closing all that off for one minute. It was the right thing to do. My goal was to focus on loving my family, friends, + Anthony with everything that I had.
Not only did my view of the world change, but I also felt I was alone in the struggle. I turned away from God, my faith. At a time when I needed it more than ever. I was hurt. I was broken down. At my core, I know that I’m not alone, but it sure has felt that way over the past year. I know that I have my husband, who has been incredibly supportive. But at the end of the day, his life experiences are so different than my own. He has a very functional family unit. He has two brothers that are making something of themselves. I have one sitting in jail.
Y’all, that is a tough pill to swallow. My oldest brother is in jail. He’s been there since December 23rd. The reason he is in jail is because he was arrested the night before my mom got out of the hospital, then he failed to appear for court twice. He will receive his sentence next month, which will take into account everything that is on his record. He has two amazing, healthy, beautiful, loving boys. Addiction sucks. That power is so strong, stronger than staying clean, at least for my brother that is.
I am a well-rounded, well-adjusted, normal(ish) adult. How is that, compared to M? It’s a blessing + a curse that I live over a thousand miles from my family, from where I grew up. It’s a blessing that I found Anthony in college, that we have been married for almost 11 years, that I have a career (or two) that I love, that I am able to love on my nephews every chance I can get. It still sucks that I lost the person that was my confidant on March 1, 2010. My mom + I still talk regularly but it will never be the same. She is exhausted from raising round two of children, when she should be enjoying grandparent life. She has other things on her mind. I understand, but it still sucks.
Whoa is me, huh? More to come on 2015, the good, bad, + ugly.
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